The main problem that otaku have with regards to Twilight isn’t the sparkly vampires, anti-feminist undertones, or poorly portrayed characters, but simply the fact that it isn’t an anime. An excellent, yet hilarious post by Elizabeth Stark imagines how the immensely successful series would have been penned by other great authors of the past 200 years. Since this is an anime blog, It struck my fancy as to how Twilight would have fared as an anime adaptation.
An anime adaptation isn’t completely out of the question; after all, american franchises such as Supernatural have made their way into Japanese culture, and the saga’s popularity had already been marketed in the west as a manhwa. However, as the original post points out, it certainly would have been much more “interesting” to see the big names in the anime directorial scene try their hands at the controversial title. Let’s take a look at the possibilities!
After the Second Impact shifted the planet’s axis and wiped out half of humanity, Bella Swann is called into action, piloting a giant mecha and fighting against vampires and werewolves. She falls in love with a tsundere half-vampire named Edward who is also a fellow mecha pilot. The love is a torrid affair, until one of the werewolves, Jacob, is captured and seduces Bella. Edward and Bella’s jerkass father initiate the Human Instrumentality Project, which forces Bella to look back at her life of teenage angst and resulting self-worth, spanning the last arc of the series.
However, due to religious differences, and Anno’s blasphemous use of Christian imagery and symbology, the director got into a heated argument with Stephanie Meyer, and refused to complete the first adaptation. As a result, Gainax is forced to re-release the show as a series of movie-length films: Twilight, Twilight 2.0: Eclipse, and Twilight 3.0: (New) Moon. Twilight 4.0: You Can (Not) Break Dawn is the final film in the series.
Bella is a strong, independent, high school girl who is caught in a war between quasi-steampunk vampires and druidic, environmentally conscious werewolves. Despite falling in love with characters from each side, namely the personality-lacking, polluting strawman Edward and the seemingly-idealistic-yet-not-quite-overbearing Jacob, Bella chooses Edward, if only to make a statement regarding her strong will to choose her own destiny, and as a jab to self-perceived-nice-guy kimoi otaku types who are prone to identify with Jacob in this adaptation.
Bella moves to the back woods to start a new life, but meets her fated love, Edward, a vampire who disappears from her life shortly after high school. She spends her entire lifetime chasing after Edward, but her dreams are constantly haunted by an old flame, the werewolf Jacob, whose reign over her subconscious domain gradually leaks into reality. In a climactic scene following Bella’s decision to become a vampire, she is depicted as running throughout all of history, with the scenery blending between one time period to another.
In a creative stylistic fusion of Paranormal Romance and Japanese punk, the rebellious Bella Swann enlists the aid of the gunslinging vampire Edward and a capoeira-fighting werewolf named Jacob. They go on a mind-bending tour through the american midwest in search of a mysterious relic known as the Dawn. As Bella tries to resolve her growing feelings for the two supernatural warriors, the past creeps up behind them, and tries to consume the group from within and without.
The soundtrack is composed by Yoko Kanno in a brilliant cornucopia of punk stylings, exclusively featuring the musical talents of Asian Kung-Fu Generation.
“I, Stephanie Meyer, hereby give my permission to turn The Twilight Saga into a shojou romantic comedy!”
A naive yet plucky girl named Bella Swann is brainwashed by, and works under, Jacob, the leader of an organization called WEREWOLF, which aims to rid the entire world of vampires and humans, but especially vampires, because they are always in the way of werewolves taking over the world and enslaving humans. Bella goes on missions to immerse herself in the world of vampire romance so that WEREWOLF can get information on how to defeat the vampires once and for all. In a secondary plotline, a brooding vampire named Edward, who is madly in love with Bella, dies in the first episode, and spends the entire series brooding after her in a deceased form, only to be brought back to life and killed repeatedly by the Great WIll of the Macrocosm.
Stephanie Meyer makes random appearances as StephaMine, a bible-thumping expy version of Fujiko Mine with twintails and a hyperspace machine gun that shoots out miniature versions of StephaMine. She is voiced by Shinichi Watanabe.
Bella distresses over her complicated love for both Edward and Jacob, but clouds take up the majority of the screentime in comparison to the three main characters themselves.
Tomboyish heroine Bella Swann recalls a childhood love with a young vampire named Edward Cullen. She follows him to the prestigious Forks Academy, where she discovers that Edward has become the president of the student council. In order to win his favour, she must engage in a series of intricate duels with members of the student council, which consists of the vampiric Cullen family. At one point, Bella is drugged and nearly raped by Edward’s sister and vampire loli, Alice. Meanwhile, the electrifying rogue werewolf Jacob Black tries to save Bella from her descent into the perceivably corrupt student council, causing an inter-city school gangwar between the Blacks and Cullens.
Angsty cyborg B377A-5W4N ponders the meaning of life as she gets caught in a romance between teenage vampire superhacker EdwardC and bionic werewolf high school dropout, Black Jacob. As it turns out, she is the chosen one who is capable of opening the gates to a valhalla of mecha; whenever she gets into a sexually tense situation with either of her romantic partners, a robot pops out of her chest which she must battle. In the end, she chooses nobody, as neither of her two romantic interests are mature enough to handle her newly discovered robotic wiles.
Bella Swann engages in long rhetorical conversations with Edward, Jacob, and a host of other paranormal bishonen in a reverse-harm. Bella tilts her head many times while the camera switches between images of apples and other imagery-and-allusions-for-the-sake-of-imagery-and-allusion. Unable to choose a lover, Bella announces that she is in despair! Hilarity ensues, alongside a plethora of establishing shots of Bella’s panties, censored by a picture of Stephanie Meyer’s face.
Bella loves love. Bella hates hate. Bella becomes a family with Edward and Jacob, and they do a dance sequence at the end of each episode that takes the otaku world by storm, thereby saving the anime industry.
As much as I’d love to do all the other directors in anime, I can’t fit them all into a thousand-word post. I leave the rest to you, dear reader. How do you think Twilight would be adapted if it were done by a particular director?